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As a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner with a unique social awareness, Laura's online counseling combines expert personal and mental health help with analysis of social events and politics. Open your mind to a new dimension of thought.

Life Of Julia! ...Now At A Theater Near You

Posted: Wednesday, May 09, 2012 | Share This:
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Have you read the reviews? The sci-fi summer blockbuster hit Life of Julia has just been released by the acclaimed director Barack Obama!

The heroine, Julia, is a cartoon girl whose life we follow through a maze of government programs that she simply can't live without!  It's setting is the beautiful shorelines of Greece and it takes a little suspension of disbelief to remember that its an American story.  But hey, that's why we love sci-fi movies!

The movie starts off with an urgency as the heroine suddenly needs the Head Start Program to help her blossom in elementary school. But within minutes, the villains swoop in and spew statistic after statistic that proves the program is useless.  Spoiler alert!!   ...Julia slays the villains with her cross and bow and moves on through school to eventually get into college. Wow! It's a thriller too!

In college, our heroine easily glides through life without worries because her parents are paying her health insurance until she is 27! She can drink and smoke and use birth control all without worrying about the health consequences because she is covered!

The movie starts dragging a bit in the middle as Julia has a baby out of wedlock.  She refuses to divulge the baby daddy and the theme of men getting away without having to be accountable causes the patriarchal government to rescue our poor Julia and give her food stamps and baby formula so she stays quiet and oppressed. Our Julia becomes content and doesn't join the women's movement. She eventually files for bankruptcy because her student loans doubled their interest rate in a sudden plot twist!

She tries to start her own web business but becomes so bogged down in government regulations and taxes that even her trusted bow and arrow fail to cut through the red tape.  A sad ending ...but a sequel is already in the air as her son heads off to elementary school and the infamous head start program.

Well the reviews are all in:

"This is a naive director with so little insight you wonder what comic books he's been reading." - New York Observer          Oops!...this review was about the movie Bullhead, but it works for this movie too!

"A perfectly enjoyable film, as long as you let go of a few glaringly obvious contradictions." -John Anderson, News Day    Oops!...this review was about the movie Legally Blonde, but it works for this movie too!

"This film can't figure out where to go with its concept and increasingly unravels as it marches along." -Kenneth Turan, LA Times   Oops!...this review was about the movie Legally Blonde, but it works for this movie too! 

Government "help" to business is just as disastrous as government persecution... the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off. Oops! ...this is a quote from Ayn Rand, but it works for this movie too!

Santorum vs. Romney - The Hair Wars!

Posted: Saturday, February 25, 2012 | Share This:
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When it gets to the point when all you here is "blah blah blah" when you turn on the Republican debates, it's time to focus on other issues that seem more important than "blah!"  I took a look at Romney's and Santorum's websites. Romney has a little grey on the sides and it looks like he uses some gel to slick it all back. He looks kind of tan too. Santorum doesn't have any grey and it's a bit puffy on top. It seems "touchable" your fingers wouldn't get stuck if you ever got a chance to sweep your hand across his head.  Santorum doesn't look tan...probably because he doesn't get as many donations as Romney.

Romney has 1.4 million "likes" on his website! Santorum only has 154,393 "likes."  Romney has 7 topics with cute clip art that you can click on to learn about his platform. Santorum has a simple list of 32 points in his platform.

Santorum has a cute little picture of him with his family and a BIG RED DONATE button on the top right of the page.  Romney has a huge picture of himself at a microphone with the crowd in the background appearing like teeny tiny followers. The angle of the camera makes Romney look like a big-pompous-power-hungry-dictator-type. Oh...Romney has a BIG RED DONATE button too.  

Well I hope this information helps you to pick the right candidate! 

Plan B - Burger or Birth Control?

Posted: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 | Share This:
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Why oh why is there a burger joint named plan B? I found out about Plan B Burgers when my 17 year old daughter said,  "I'm going out for Plan B."  I almost had a heart attack! Then she explained it was a yummy burger place.

So just to clarify...

Plan B is a pill intended to prevent pregnancy after known or suspected contraceptive failure or unprotected intercourse.


Plan B is a burger bar that sells 100% certified natural beef,as opposed to unnatural beef...which is....maybe... a gay cow if you're republican or a gas-guzzling SUV driving cow if you're a democrat.

The real definition of plan B is "a secondary plan of action in the event that changes would make the primary plan unsuccessful."

Wait I'm getting confused... plan A is "the primary plan of action." So is plan A the intercourse moment and a McDonald's quarter pounder? Because then plan B would be the morning after pill and the organic burger?? Because there has to be a plan A .... or there would be no need for a plan B. Right???

I thought plan A was the best plan and plan B was a just-in-case thing.  Like when you go to the movies, plan A is two tickets for Mission Impossible IMAX and plan B is two tickets for Alvin and the Chipmunks Chipwrecked.

But I guess plan B could be the better for Brad Pitt...Jennifer Aniston was plan A and Angelina Jolie was plan B. So I see how this can work either way!

So whatever your plan A may be, practice safe sex and become a vegetarian...because then you will never need plan B.

Ginger "The Babbler" White versus Herman "The Worman" Cain

Posted: Tuesday, November 29, 2011 | Share This:
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This is a dose of help for all the foolish women out there who out their secret lovers.....Stop telling your classified closet capers! Frankly, the rest of us don't want to hear about it. Why can't you keep your personal business to yourself?!? The repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell does not apply here ladies!

It's just embarrassing for women everywhere. Ginger White and all the accusers coming out of the woodwork like little tattle-tale rats... it's nauseating.

Whose character should we attack? Hers or His??? Or should it matter at all? Seems to me these ladies are telling stories because they want something.

Ginger, why didn't you go to confession instead of the media? Ginger, why are you ruining your reputation and bringing all us gals down? Ginger, you chose to be with the man for crying out loud! And I'm not sure I believe you anyway!

Ladies....boudoir antics must never verbally stray from the bedroom! No videos either! Don't kiss and tell!

Word of the day: Uncouth.
Definition: lacking in polish and grace, awkward and uncultivated in appearance, manner, or behavior. Rude. Boorish. Classless.
Sentence: I found the woman rather uncouth; indeed, she was quite an unsavory character.

Thanksgiving and Our Obsession with Balloons

Posted: Thursday, November 24, 2011 | Share This:
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Now don't get me wrong....I'm all thankful today, but I can't help pointing out that Thanksgiving is like the high holy day for balloon lovers. I'm talking about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! It's even on TV! And Miss America is in it too! But it's about the balloons...big big big balloons of spiderman, spongebob, and every thing that makes America fun!

Historically, Thanksgiving is about Europeans who came to this land and ate turkey with the natives to celebrate and give thanks for a good harvest.

More recent American History shows us it's really about balloons! Gloriously big balloons! So here is a reminder of all our balloon obsessions and how Thanksgiving is the culmination of our balloon love:

Gift giving: Graduation, valentines day, having a baby, on and on we could list all the times we've given or received balloons with clever pictures and sayings on them.

Sick in the hospital: I never understood this one....but people in hospital beds get a lot of "get well balloons."

Hot air balloon rides: Who doesn't want to ride in a balloon! Fun!

Parties: When did you go to a party where there weren't any balloons???

Meteorology/medical equipment/military: It's true! Balloons are practical too!

Michael Faraday invented the balloon in 1824. He should get an honorary Nobel Peace Prize!

I love water balloon fights and the creepy clowns who twist balloons into animals! And don't forget the "balloon boy scandal!"

Enjoy the parade and Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Advice for the Supreme Court Justices-American Style

Posted: Monday, November 21, 2011 | Share This:
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Well we are finally getting to the end point....that place where Columbus thought he'd sail his boat right over the edge of the world! That's right...the supreme court will decide if Obamacare is constitutional. If it is ok for the government to force us to buy health insurance. We should be worried. Because if they all say yay....America is gone. Gone because we will have to rewrite our constitution. Gone because we will then be forced to buy all kinds of stuff we don't want. I don't want to pay to have a lawyer retained on my behalf!

What you say??

Well it's only a matter of time before the government says its your right to have a lawyer! Not just a public defender! Oh no...because the free health care clinics weren't good enough, so I'm sure the public defenders won't be good enough either. So get ready to pay a yearly retainer for a lawyer. Oh that's right! Probably around $10,000 a year I'd guess! Because, for some reason, the legal system has no regulation and lawyers are allowed to charge outrageous amounts of money for their bad advice! $500 to $700 or more dollars an hour! Ummm....reality one is worth that! Oh...and how about we apply those health care privacy rules to the courts? Have you ever been to court?  You can hear everyone's business all up and down the hallways! How come we can't do that with healthcare information? Why is it ok for a lawyer to shout out that his client got an STD from that home-wrecker defendant! But not ok for a doctor to tell the partner they should go get tested??? Why isn't the legal system regulated like the healthcare system?  A surgeon may be worth $500 an hour....but certainly those two-bit greedy injury lawyers are not worth $500 an hour!

It's all so dumb. I have a bad attitude when I think about the fat cat government taking over half my money to do dumb things with it.  If the supreme court says the government can make us pay for healthcare....then they should make the government regulate lawyers too. It's only fair. It's the law world's turn to take the heat. Focus judges! Focus!

Things Judge Judy Might Say to Kim Kardashian

Posted: Friday, November 04, 2011 | Share This:
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I love Judge Judy. She is the queen of reality tv! So all you Kardashian fans out there...Kimmy's life is not real! Judge Judy IS real! I was sitting around wondering what Judge Judy might say to Kim Kardashian regarding all the hub-bub surrounding her 72 day marriage. Here are some classic Judge Judy Quotes that I know she would be saying to Kimmy in court!

KimK: I'm here in court today to end my 72 day marriage. I realized I got caught up in the wedding planning and I did marry for love, I can't believe I would have to defend this.
Judge Judy: Is the word stupid written across my forehead?
KimK: Well I don't think I should have to give the wedding gifts back because I'm going to make a generous donation to a charity.
Judge Judy: This is not Let's Make a Deal, and I'm not Monty Hall!
KimK: My mom went on tv and said she doesn't like Indian givers and I shouldn't give the ring back either.
Judge Judy: And you ought to be ashamed of yourself!
KimK: Well it was intuition, I realized it wasn't going to work, there's no right or wrong, just intuition.
Judge Judy: Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it's frosting.
KimK: I've never missed a day of work, but I'm too distraught now, I need time for me.
Judge Judy: Never combine business with pleasure; that's not good business. Got what I mean?
KimK: I am embarrassed by all this.  So can I keep all the money and gifts?
Judge Judy: What school of double-talk did you go to? You're an idiot! If it doesn't make sense, it's not true! You're lying, I can tell because the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up! Byrd, please escort Miss K out of my courtroom, I've had enough and I'm sure the audience has had enough too!

To all you young ladies out there, don't be like KimK, she is no role model!

Judge Judy is the woman to be like. Smart, well-educated, sassy, truthful, moral, ethical, and a good citizen!

Bail Out My Student Loan!

Posted: Wednesday, October 19, 2011 | Share This:
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The Huffington Post has an article full of pictures of college grads holding up signs that indicate their college debt. One was even over $100,000! And, I'm thinking most of those Occupy Wall Street peeps are these same debt-ridden-unemployed-college-grads-working-3-minimum-wage-jobs-and-living-with-their-parents-just-to-pay-their-loans-sad-disillusioned-young-Americans!

Well this looks like an easy fix. It's simple and it goes like this:

Dear Mr. President,

I can not be a productive member of society due to my extensive financial burdens related to my student loans. Since you opened your wallet for the big corporation boys and the blatantly blundering banks, will you please bail me out too? Remember me Mr. President? I'm the little guy down here in the park near Wall Street. I couldn't afford a train ticket to protest at your big white house, so me and my friends came down to this neighborhood on the subway. We should be in front of your house Mr. President, but we just can't afford the trip. So what do you say Mr. President? How about forgiving us our combined $1 trillion student loan debt so we can be free to pursue the same American dream the fat cat CEOs and the corrupt bank lenders have pursued since you saved their ass. Thank you for considering our plight Mr. President. We look forward to your answer.

The Occupy Wall Street Gang

6 Crazy Dreams That Mean You Are Totally Normal

Posted: Monday, October 10, 2011 | Share This:
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Did you wake up this morning wondering what the heck that crazy dream you had means?? Was it the nachos you ate at midnight or was it that damn tequila worm you swallowed?!?

Well, if it was one of the following kind of dreams....then you are perfectly normal...according to the dream experts anyway (!

1. Chase dreams. You are out of breath running through the woods being chased by a vampire!Or maybe that creeper from the office is chasing you. Whoever or whatever is chasing you...normal. Chase dreams usually mean you are avoiding an issue or situation. Makes sense right? Try and think about things in your life you are not dealing with. Once you can identify what you are avoiding, and make effort to face it, the chase dreams will stop. And...if you are the one doing the chasing in the are trying to catch up with others or you may be highly motivated to get something done, you have significant drive and ambition.

2. Test dreams. You fail that 3rd grade math test over and over every night! You wake up thinking you're a dumb ass! Well all it really means is you are experiencing some sort of anxiety. Perhaps you are overly worried about meeting others expectations. Or you feel you're not good enough and you worry about letting other people down. All normal. So try and think about what's going on in your waking you want to make your Mama proud, or show your boss you're worthy of a raise?

3. Falling dreams. Off a cliff or down the keep dreaming of falling. Normal! You are probably feeling insecure, overwhelmed and out of control. You feel a sense of failure in your waking life. Or...if you think Freud is a genius...then it means you are contemplating giving in to a sexual urge! Be careful!

4. Flying. Who doesn't want to fly? How cool is a flying dream!? And it means good things too. You are on top of things, you have a sense of power and you are a winner! But...if you feel afraid in the dream while you are flying, then you may be afraid of challenges and success.

5. Naked. You are on the bus all nude! Or walking on a crowded street...naked! All normal. It just means you are feeling vulnerable, or you are hiding something and people can see right through you. Maybe you are trying to be something you are not. I like this are proud and have a sense of unrestricted freedom! You look good in your birthday suit!

6. Teeth. Rotting and falling by the handful out of your mouth! How freaky! But normal. It's all about anxiety and fear of rejection. Some say a lack of power and being worried about your appearance.

Hope this puts your mind at ease. You are not crazy!  Flying naked through the sky while taking a test and then falling through the trees and losing your teeth all the while being chased by a flying monkey make you a completely normal person!

Smarties For Dummies - An Ode to Michele Bachmann

Posted: Monday, September 19, 2011 | Share This:
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Who doesn't like candy? I like candy! Michele Bachmann probably likes candy don't you think!? Well after she ate some crow for that stupid HPV vaccine comment, I'd like to offer her some of those tasty little smarties candies...cause she needs them!

Smarties For Dummies - An Ode to Michele Bachmann
(Dear Michele, an ode is a lyric poem typically of elaborate or irregular metrical form and expressive of exalted or enthusiastic emotion.)

A little pink candy, so sweet and tart
Like Bachmann's words, a spun mythical fart

A little blue candy, such a pleasing infusion
She declared New Hampshire the birthplace of the Revolution

A smiling religious zealot,
Her husband Marcus claims to cure gays.
He does it in counseling,
And somehow gets paid.

Marcus and Michele
A cute couple for sure!
But a box of rocks for brains,
Smartie candy can't cure.

I so desperately want to vote for a woman for president.  Mostly because I'm a woman whose felt and seen our oppression! But can someone please tell Bachmann and Palin the truth....that they say the stupidest things and that they make the rest of us look bad!

When Bachmann announced her run in Hew Hampshire, she said,  "It's your state that fired the shot that was heard around the world!  You are the state of Lexington and Concord, you started the battle for liberty right here in your backyard." ok....ummm...wrong state! Totally embarrassing right!?

Then she spoke about the HPV vaccine. During a debate she questioned a state's authority to force "innocent little 12-year-old girls" to have a "government injection" that was "potentially dangerous."
The following day, she told NBC's "Today" show the story of a woman from Tampa, Florida, who approached her after the debate and said her daughter became "mentally retarded" after getting the Gardasil vaccine made by Merck.  Michele Bachmann needs to shut up! She has a lot of nerve making these statements! As a health care professional, I am telling you that the HPV vaccine is a good thing! A very good thing!

Bottom line...don't listen to politicians or celebrities when they talk about vaccines and medical or psychiatric advice. Please don't.  And, I'm wondering if all the smart and savvy women out there aren't running for political office because....well probably because they ARE smart and savvy!!

I Like Your Bus Mr. President!

Posted: Thursday, August 18, 2011 | Share This:
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How about that bus the President is riding around in?  He's like a rock star in that stealth-looking-star-wars-meets-the-terminator-omnipotent-bus-of-political-righteousness! His message is to tell us all he will announce some big job creation dream in September.  He could have just sent us a message on twitter for crying out loud!

I'm so confused. He's touring the Midwest to announce that he's going to announce a plan.

"The bus tour, which included the states of Minnesota and Iowa that Obama won in 2008, has had a distinctive campaign appearance though the White House has described the three-day event as a listening tour" -Chicago Tribune.

Even the Chicago Tribune, President Obama's hometown rag, is having trouble explaining what this tour is all about! I think the President is having the stereo-typical-proverbial-mid-life-crisis. Yup...his wife wouldn't let him buy a Harley for his 50th birthday so he had to settle for this bus! And, in order to explain why he's riding around in this rock star bus pretending to be a cool guy...he decided to say he's on a "listening tour." Not very creative and not very convincing!

Do you think he has an xbox on that bus? I wonder what his xbox username is? Or a mini-bar his wife stuffed with carrot sticks and healthy snacks? I think he's on that bus right now dancing in his undies like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. It's ok...tinted windows prevent the public from seeing what's really going on.

Visit Eleventh Hour, LLC for more interesting social commentary and psychiatric advice.

Do We Care About Rick Perry's College Transcript?

Posted: Sunday, August 07, 2011 | Share This:
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The Huffington Post has a cute article about Rick Perry's bad grades in college!  How totally embarrassing. But you know what...even the last of the class graduates right? Someone has to be valedictorian and someone has to be...well, what's the word for the kid whose grades put him/her last in the class?  I searched and searched and there is no word for the last in the class. I even looked up the antonym for valedictorian and there isn't one!  I did find something on Yahoo answers. It said that other countries call the last in the class a dunce!

Well this dunce theory can apply to many fields other than politics. Let's about the doctor who graduated last in their class? Of course! There are doctors out there taking care of your loved ones who got Cs and Ds in school!  Yikes! Are they competent?

Maybe we should start asking to see every one's transcripts. I got a D in Law in Communication at BU. I had to take the class twice and I got a D both times! I totally sucked at that class! So I did the right thing...I did not pursue a career in Law Of Communication!

In the end do the grades matter? I don't know. What I do know is there are people out there who are great at their careers and there are people out there who suck at their careers. As we say in health care when we come across an incompetent doctor..."Even the last in the class has an MD after their name!"

So we should all frame our college transcripts and hang them next to our diplomas! How cool would that be when you walk into a lawyer or doctor office and there is an official transcript for all to see! I love it!

Let's face it...if you saw a doctor's transcript with As in science and math and Ds in woodworking and'd probably think they are stellar doctors and not very good artists...and that's ok! But if you saw a doctor's transcript and they got a C in Anatomy class...maybe you would leave the office! I know I would!

So where does that leave poor Rick Perry? Do you really need good grades to be a politician?  The Huffington Post has a lovely slide show of all the politicians who cheated on their wives! The slide show was created two years ago and it had 18 male politicians! There are even more now! And how about the class of "scandals?" Take a look at this super long list of political scandals. Well, If you get a D in ethics class, a D in morals and values class, and an A in ego class...then you should definitely go into politics!

We Should Pick Our Next President From!

Posted: Saturday, July 30, 2011 | Share This:
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Well the last few years speak for themselves. Our country is getting all out of sorts! It's time to break-up with Obama and pick a new partner!  I sent B.O. a break-up text, it's kind of a lame way to break-up, but I just couldn't take his begging to stay together speech anymore! I just couldn't figure him day he liked me the next day he ignored me! Then he got too pushy...telling me what to eat and what to buy and how to act! Then...the deal-breaker for me...he actually had the nerve to ask me for money! I can't be in a relationship with someone like that! So I broke up with him and I just joined! There are hundreds and hundreds of people we can pick from to be our next president!

Take a guy named "Mike" from North Dakota. He has pictures of himself standing in front of his car, in a business suit, and at the gym in a tank top! He likes dogs, he owns his home, he has a 401K, he has two children that he enjoys spending time with. He likes going to the movies, yoga, and Indian food! He sounds perfect right??? Or maybe "Crystal." She has 5 cats and lives in a condo on the beach! She has pictures of herself on the beach and of herself with all her cats. She drinks green tea and likes to jog at 5am every day! She sounds motivated right?

There are so many qualified people on! We should definitely pick our next president off! And...maybe we should pick our congress peeps off of there too!  Cause you know what...we would NOT have picked Senator Wu if he had a picture of himself in that tiger suit posted on his profile! 

Fool-Proof Method To "Erase" Our Trillion Dollar Debt

Posted: Monday, May 02, 2011 | Share This:
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So Obama tried to bully the S&P and get them to keep America's credit rating at AAA. The bestest, highest, credit rating a country can have. And the Prime Minister of Greece was crying about being held hostage by the credit rating peeps.  Here's a direct copy from a Huffington Post article. George Papandreou, in a written statement posted on a government website early Friday said the agencies, instead of elected governments, "are seeking to shape our destiny and determine the future of our children." 

Boo-Hoo you big babies! Is this for real? How many of us peons have been bullied by the big three credit bureaus...Equifax 1-800-685-1111, TransUnion 1-800-916-8800, Experian 1-888-397-3742. These three devils hold us hostage on a daily basis, forcing us to accept ridiculously high interest rates and wrapping us in red tape, oppressing us with debt-to-income ratio bullshit!  If we have to kiss the devil's ass...then so do the countries!! Who do these leaders think they are? They should be held accountable to their budgets and spending patterns the same way we are.

Maybe Obama should file bankruptcy for America like all the regular people out there!  Yeah, he can borrow this American's a winner for so many! Just go before some judge and say you have a "real bad sex addiction" diagnosed by a certified psychiatrist, and, due to the nature of your "illness," you have racked up 5 trillion in credit card debt in online porn memberships! Oh it works every time! China will feel so sorry for us! They will be "embarrassed" for us! So embarrassed that they will forgive all our debt just to sweep the "scandal" under the proverbial rug.

It will always does...

A Place To Share Our Stuff

Posted: Saturday, April 16, 2011 | Share This:
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Every day women fight for equality and recognition. It is often a silent battle that we don't even know we are engaged in. And every day women realize they have a voice...they have something to say that will most definitely help their fellow female warriors. But where can we share our stuff?  Well I know... The Jane Project!

The Jane Project is a blog about "being and living as a female in this modern world." The Jane Project is a "safe place to speak out about our own truths through art, letter, stories, and pictures." 

I encourage all my and check out The Jane Project blog. It is insightful, wonderful, and celebrates all of our unique experiences and perspectives. So check it out!